Affluent Savvy
Affluent Savvy
Photo: Dziana Hasanbekava
Carrie Bradshaw and her friends popularized the “three date rule”—the idea that, when you're seeing someone new, there should be a short waiting period before you have sex with them. The goal is to give you a chance to evaluate the other person before hopping into bed.
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Learn More »How long should you wait to have sex? It’s a question many of us have pondered for years but haven't found a satisfactory answer to. In fact, the iconic television series Sex and the City attempted to tackle the question roughly two decades ago. Carrie Bradshaw and her friends popularized the “three date rule”—the idea that, when you're seeing someone new, there should be a short waiting period before you have sex with them. The goal is to give you a chance to evaluate the other person before hopping into bed. Plus, you don’t want to give the other person the impression that you’re overeager, but you also don’t want to wait too long to start having sex in case it turns out you’re incompatible. Right off the bat, it's clear the rule isn't perfect—particularly when it comes to not wanting to seem overeager. Our sex-negative society has programmed us to slut-shame people who have sex on the first date, as though their eagerness to bone says something bad about their character. “Our obsession with when people decide to have sex speaks to the puritanical urge to judge,” explains Sofiya Alexandra, co-host of Private Parts Unknown , a podcast exploring love and sexuality around the world. “Did they wait long enough? Is she ‘easy?’”
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Learn More »A study published in the Journal of Sex Research of nearly 11,000 unmarried adults in “serious or steady” relationships inquired about when participants started having sex and looked at how this was related to their relationship satisfaction. Most participants (76 percent) had been in their relationships for more than one year, and nearly all of them (93 percent) reported having had sex with their partners. Of those sexually active, a slight majority (51 percent) said they waited a few weeks before having sex, while just over one-third (38 percent) had sex either on the first date or within the first couple of weeks. The remaining 11 percent had sex before they even went on their first date. Did the timing of sex matter in terms of how people felt about their relationships? Not in a meaningful way. There were only minor differences between the groups, with those who had sex earlier tending to be slightly less satisfied. However, all of the groups were highly satisfied on average. The fact that those who had sex earlier were a little less happy is to be expected based on research showing that sexual passion and excitement tend to decline over the course of a relationship. So if you start having sex sooner, the passion will wear off a little faster unless you put in the work to keep it going (which you can do by regularly mixing it up in the bedroom). This content is imported from poll. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site. It's more important how you think about sex than when you have sex. There’s something far more important than when you start having sex, and that’s what your personality says about how sex and love go together. Everyone has what’s called a sociosexual orientation , which is basically the degree to which you think sex and emotions are intertwined versus totally separate. People who think that they go together tend to agree with statements like, “I do not want to have sex with a person until I am sure that we will have a long-term, serious relationship.” These folks have what psychologists call a “restricted” orientation. By contrast, people who think that these things are separable tend to agree with statements like “sex without love is OK.” These people have what psychologists refer to as an “unrestricted” orientation. Unrestricted people are more comfortable with casual sex, and they tend to report higher sex drives and greater numbers of sex partners over the course of their lives. As a result, the amount of time it takes for them to be comfortable having sex with a new partner is much shorter than it is for someone with a restricted orientation. Neither orientation is inherently better or worse than the other, but knowing where you (and your potential love/sex interest) fall on this spectrum will give you insight into whether having sex sooner or later is the right approach for you. Understanding differences in sociosexual orientation can also help us to understand why so many couples disagree on the “right” time to start having sex as well as how much sex they should be having. If you put a restricted and an unrestricted person together, it will likely be challenging for them to get on the same page.
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Learn More »“The decision to have sex is one of those rare situations that doesn’t call for a compromise; if one person isn’t comfortable or ready, sex is off the table,” Alexandra says. “If this isn’t someone you’re in a serious long-term relationship with, they might not be comfortable telling you why they don’t want to have sex, so don’t push. If this is a long-term thing, work on trust until your partner feels safe enough to talk more about why they don’t want to have sex.” There are numerous reasons why they might not feel comfortable having sex: It could be painful, they could be working through past trauma, or they simply haven’t tried it. “If you make it clear that your feelings toward them don’t depend on sex, this will go a long way to build trust,” she says. If your partner wants to wait longer than you do, it "doesn't have to be a dealbreaker," adds Courtney Kocak, Alexandra's co-host at Private Parts Unknown. "I had a partner several years ago who had performance anxiety in the bedroom, and I really liked him, so we figured it out together. After three-plus months, we were finally able to consummate our relationship, and it was totally worth the wait.”
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