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What is the 3/4 rule in dating?

Called the "3-4 rule," Nobile's method requires that singles learn four key principles about their prospect by the end of the third date. Those tenets are chemistry, core values, emotional maturity, and readiness. According to Nobile, this method allows daters to assess chemistry and long-term compatibility.

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Amy Nobile is a New York City dating coach who charges $10,000 for four months of services. She says the "3-4 rule," knowing four tenets about someone by the third date, saves time and energy.

The four tenets are chemistry, core values, emotional maturity, and relationship readiness.

Top editors give you the stories you want — delivered right to your inbox each weekday. Loading Something is loading. Thanks for signing up! Access your favorite topics in a personalized feed while you're on the go. download the app Email address By clicking ‘Sign up’, you agree to receive marketing emails from Insider as well as other partner offers and accept our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy The New York City dating coach Amy Nobile, who charges $10,000 to work with her, said she created a foolproof method for weeding out incompatible matches. Called the "3-4 rule," Nobile's method requires that singles learn four key principles about their prospect by the end of the third date. Those tenets are chemistry, core values, emotional maturity, and readiness. According to Nobile, this method allows daters to assess chemistry and long-term compatibility. Often, singles focus on chemistry only and learn months or years into a relationship they aren't well matched, she said. "And then it's six months later or six years later, and the other person pops their head up and says, 'I don't want kids in two years,'" Nobile told Insider.

The 4 tenets of a relationship that are nonnegotiable

According to Nobile, her four principles allow singles to take a more holistic look at romantic relationships. The first tenet, chemistry, means you feel some sort of connection, whether physical or intellectual. Nobile said chemistry could often feel like the "just a knowing that there's some sort of connection." The second tenet of core values is different for each single. According to Nobile, these categories could include family planning, career goals, personal goals, religion, or any other lifestyle choices and plans that could involve a partner. It's also important to know a date's emotional availability and maturity. A person who can articulate their feelings about themself and their relationships consistently embodies this trait, Nobile said.

Last, it's important a prospect is ready for a relationship.

If a date doesn't check each of these four boxes, it's a sign they aren't your person, Nobile said.

Dates 1 and 2: Discuss career and relationships

When Nobile explains the 3-4 rule to new clients, they often freeze in fear over how to elicit personal information in just three dates.

Asking specific questions on each date can help, according to Nobile.

She suggested using your first and second dates to learn about a prospect's career and passions, what they've learned about themselves over the past year, the relationship they're looking for, and their relationship history. It's also a good time to ask about their family and long-term goals, Nobile said.

Date 3: Time to talk family and deal breakers

By the third date, you can get into more specifics about relationship deal breakers, family planning, marriage, and communication styles.

Though it can be nerve-racking, self-love and practice help, Nobile said.

When Nobile started working with an introverted woman in her mid-30s, it took her 10 first dates to muster up the courage to ask about a date's previous relationships. "She just found her guy recently," Nobile said. "She asked him all the questions, and she was like, 'I can't believe it. I just didn't own my worth. I was scared of the response.' So yeah, it's amazing."

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Can you fall in love in a month?

Case in point: An 2018 survey of 1,000 British men and women found that while more than half of them take over three months to say, "I love you," 32% of women and 29% of men say it in one to three months—and 10% of women and 14% of men say it in just one to four weeks.

One 2017 survey found 72% of men and 61% of women believe in love at first sight, and a 2004 study found about a third of Americans say they've personally experienced it. There's some science that backs up the concept: Some research suggests people decide within seconds whether they're romantically interested in someone, and neurologically speaking, it takes only one-fifth of a second for the neurochemical reaction associated with feelings of love to fire off. But other research discounts the theory. A 2017 study in the Personal Relationships journal orchestrated a bunch of first encounters between single strangers, and the researchers found feelings of instant attraction can indeed happen in a first encounter. Some people described these feelings as "love at first sight"—however, these people didn't report feelings of intimacy, passion, and commitment as part of their experience. The main predictor of a "love at first sight" experience was finding the other person physically attractive. In other words, romantic love usually cannot happen at first sight, psychologist and sex therapist Lauren Fogel Mersy, PsyD, explains to mbg. "There can be a strong attraction at first sight, but romantic love for someone requires knowing who they are, the fullness of their character."

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