Affluent Savvy
Photo: Erik Mclean
That's where the so-called “three-date rule” came in — a guideline that says you should go on three dates before sleeping with a new love interest. It's unclear where or how the rule, which was later popularized by “Sex And The City,” originated.
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Learn More »Three is an arbitrary number that doesn’t take into account how long you’ve known each other, how you feel about each other or how you define a date or sex, for that matter. “You could literally have three dates over the course of two weeks, so this rule doesn’t seem to make much of a difference in terms of giving yourself time to assess someone,” Battle said. Siegel said he isn’t crazy about the three-date rule — though he does appreciate the underlying concept of “not rushing into anything prematurely.” But “to think there is some general rule doesn’t take into consideration how one defines dating, what one’s goals of dating are — long-term vs. short-term, committed relationship vs. casual relationship — what role sex plays in dating, how one communicates, etc.” Dating coach Damona Hoffman — host of “The Dates & Mates” podcast — told HuffPost she believes that if two people are well-suited for each other, then having sex earlier than date three “will not automatically spell the end of the relationship,” though she also acknowledged that there may be compelling reasons people choose to wait longer. People need to figure out a timeline that works for them, dating coach Blaine Anderson told HuffPost. But she believes the three-date rule is “useful to consider to the extent it inspires you to decide for yourself when and what you’re comfortable with.”
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Learn More »“Even a hedonist who craves sex ASAP might discover that the tension created by waiting is sexy too,” Anderson said. “Basically, there’s no universal ‘right’ answer, even for one individual!” So how do you know if you’re ready, then? To anyone contemplating this, Anderson suggested thinking about both what feels good to you in the moment and what feels good to you the next day. And keep in mind there are bound to be some pluses and minuses to whatever you decide. When Hoffman’s podcast listeners come to her with questions about how many dates to wait, she recommends not having sex until they feel comfortable talking about sex with this person — everything from sexual health to preferences in the bedroom to potential outcomes such as pregnancy. “This conversation has become even more important in light of the strict abortion laws in many states,” Hoffman said. “I know it doesn’t sound sexy but there are very real consequences to sex today. Plus, I find that for many of my clients, if they wait to build trust with someone, they can express their sexual needs better and get what they want.” Some people prefer to have sex early on to find out if they’re sexually compatible with a potential partner. But even if the sex isn’t great right off the bat, that doesn’t mean it’s doomed to stay that way. “Sex with someone on the first date can be awkward — especially after a few drinks,” Hoffman said, “And in most cases, if you have attraction to someone, the sex can be improved with time and communication.” Most importantly, remember that when to have sex is not a unilateral decision, Siegel said. You and the other person need to be on the same page. “Therefore, communication, understanding and agreement have to be what brings you both to the decision,” he said.
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