Affluent Savvy
Affluent Savvy
Photo: Stas Knop
Coan advises every couple to adhere to the 70/30 rule: For the happiest, most harmonious relationship, the pro suggests spending 70% of time together, and 30% apart. That gives each of you enough freedom to explore your own interests while still being rooted and invested in your relationship.
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Learn More »If you've ever been friends with one of those seemingly inseparable couples-the one that gets a joint Facebook page, that only uses the pronoun "we," and suddenly can't do anything alone after they get engaged or married-you've probably wondered how much time spent together is really healthy in a relationship. But have you ever wondered about pairs that fall to the other end of the spectrum? While you probably know it's a red flag to need to spend every waking moment with your significant other, how do you know if you're spending too much time apart? We caught up with Trina Dolenz, LCSW, and author of "Retool Your Relationship: Fix the One You're With," and Garett Coan, LCSW, owner of Creative Counseling, to find out how much alone time is healthy. Here, they break it all down, plus share the ideal amount of time to spend together and apart. As with most things in life, it seems the right amount of alone time is a matter of moderation. "On the one extreme is the 'disengaged' couple who do little or nothing together," explains Coan. "They eventually wind up living parallel lives as glorified roommates. Then, there's the enmeshed couple who feel threatened when even momentarily separated. A healthy relationship is characterized by a state of being lying somewhere in the middle." Naturally, this perfect balance is a tough one to achieve. With a variety of ways to stay hyper-connected, it's no surprise Dolenz feels the majority of couples actually struggle more with too little alone time than too much. "Most couples today do not spend enough time alone or with others or other pursuits," she says. The result is a relationship that begins to lose its spark over time. "Being apart brings new experiences and ideas back into the relationship, along with vitality and oxygen," Dolenz explains. When each partner is free to go outside the relationship and spend time doing what makes them feel whole, they bring that recharged energy back home for the better of everyone.
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Read More »Men take an average of 88 days (about three months) to tell their partner they love them, whereas women take an average of 134 days (four and a half months), according to a 2013 survey conducted by YouGov and eHarmony.
One 2017 survey found 72% of men and 61% of women believe in love at first sight, and a 2004 study found about a third of Americans say they've personally experienced it. There's some science that backs up the concept: Some research suggests people decide within seconds whether they're romantically interested in someone, and neurologically speaking, it takes only one-fifth of a second for the neurochemical reaction associated with feelings of love to fire off. But other research discounts the theory. A 2017 study in the Personal Relationships journal orchestrated a bunch of first encounters between single strangers, and the researchers found feelings of instant attraction can indeed happen in a first encounter. Some people described these feelings as "love at first sight"—however, these people didn't report feelings of intimacy, passion, and commitment as part of their experience. The main predictor of a "love at first sight" experience was finding the other person physically attractive. In other words, romantic love usually cannot happen at first sight, psychologist and sex therapist Lauren Fogel Mersy, PsyD, explains to mbg. "There can be a strong attraction at first sight, but romantic love for someone requires knowing who they are, the fullness of their character."
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